5 Things Games Have Taught Me: Super Mario Bros.

The valuable life lessons learned when going out for beers and interacting with friends is trivial compared to the lessons learned from games. There are the things that all games provide you with: superior intellect, advanced hand-eye coordination, wisdom of many, logic of a supercomputer, imagination of Tolkien and anti-social skills. However, there are many more subtle things that games teach you.

Super Mario Bros.

It was a classic 8-bit game that brought plumbers, flying turtles and mushrooms straight into your living room. Even today it still lures a few games out of lazy afternoons, complete with nostalgic friends. (P.S. – the nostalgia card works wonders with chicks). However, despite the really wacky storyline – a plumber on a mission to save a Princess from a big turtle that shoots flames and all that while you’re eating mushrooms – has a few valuable lessons to be learned.

Lesson #1 – Plumbers are indeed awesome

Since Mario and Luigi have hit the gaming scene, more and more people became aware of the sink dwelling nobody that is a plumber. They suddenly became cool. Every respected housewife who played Mario was now fascinated by pipes. Even as kid I remember longing to become a plumber; for Bowser would never escape the clutches of my mushroom insanity. Evidence of the rise of plumber fame has culminated with Joe the Plumber: the man that became a leak in Obama’s campaign. Thanks to Super Mario Bros. plumbers are now in the news.

Lesson #2 – Stay the hell away from squids

Oh, the dreaded underwater paddle stages. Never had water been so happy and frightening at the same time. You had to frantically skedaddle past fish and squids while trying to float just above a watery abyss. The squids had such erratic behaviour that with every flap of Mario’s plumber digits it made you yelp with fright. Even if you stood still they slowly migrated toward you. They know where you are and they might just surprise with you with a quick daft to an unsuspecting position and strike you. Since Super Mario Bros. I now stay far away from squids.

Lesson #3 – How to Cheat on Your Boss

At the end of each world Bowser was the only thing that stood between you and your damsel in distress. However, Bowser had one fatal flaw: he jumped. One could easily complete the level just by timing his jump and slip underneath him to destroy the bridge. I found this “cheat” to be morally ambiguous. It is not a real cheat, but somehow I kept hearing Bowser releasing a big groan every time I slipped past him. Thus, in my susceptible child’s mind I took it in as a great way to one day play hooky at work. Once, the boss is away or caught unawares, grab your suitcase and make a dash for it.

Lesson #4 – Girls are Teases

Mario was a brave man. After continually beating Bowser he just got an errand boy to relay a message that said that “The Princess is in another castle”. Either Mario was desperate or Princess Peach was playing hard to get. I believe the latter as no self-respecting Italian would be chasing after woman. Mario got played. Thus, Super Mario Bros. had taught me that girls, doesn’t matter how great they are (yes, even princesses) are not worth the pain that Mario has gone through.

Lesson #5 – Parkour is Insane

If you have witnessed the agility and crazy jumps of Super Mario Bros.’ speed runs (see video) you will realize just how quick Mario is. He does Parkour like no-one else I’ve ever seen before. He jumps on turtles, flips timing, speeds up, balances on narrow edges, climbs on buildings to find shortcuts and rides flag poles to reach his destination. If you really want to see good Parkour, screw French students or kids on London streets, check Mario on his speed runs.

Moral of the Story:

Evil lurks behind smiles.

1 people like this post.

Like 

One Response to “5 Things Games Have Taught Me: Super Mario Bros.”

1. Happiness is a warm TV - What to Watch on Friday: Joe the Plumber … « Plumber Phoenix says:

   April 3, 2009 at 11:53 pm

   [...] ? Nerd Mag By Niel Since Mario and Luigi have hit the gaming scene, more and more people became aware of the sink dwelling nobody that is a plumber. They suddenly became cool. Every respected housewife who played Mario was now fascinated by pipes. … NerdMag 2009? Nerd Mag – http://nerdmag.co.za/ [...]

   Reply